The White Knight Burden

I was really getting fed up with all the work being dumped on me. I seemed to be getting more than my fair share. It didn’t make sense. I was being rewarded for my can-do attitude with more and more work, while others seemed to be skating by. And this wasn’t happening without a personal price. I was tired when I got home. Too tired to have the energy I’d like to have with my family and friends. And to think about doing something for myself was a joke!

Yup, I had it bad – the “White Knight Syndrome!” I didn’t even realize that I was creating all of this. My ego needed it – taking on all that work, staying late at the office, not getting enough sleep – it made me feel worthy, or special, or connected. I’m not really sure exactly which need I had. It doesn’t really matter. It wasn’t healthy. And I was doing it all to myself.

How empowering it was when I figured this out. I have to admit that is was by watching someone else suffer from it at a much greater level that helped me become aware. I was doing the same thing. And subtlety blaming everyone else for it!  The sympathy I was getting from my family and friends was just fuel for the fire.

Was it because I was raised with that guilt that you had to take care of everyone else to be worthy? Did I interpret “don’t be selfish” type messages to mean “you must suffer?” Was it because I was a middle child of 14 and wanted to please everyone? Again, it really doesn’t matter, because once I became aware, I could choose. I didn’t have to be stuck in the past any longer. It was total freedom. No more being a victim about it!

Yes, at first I missed the attention, the feeling sorry for me, the nostalgia of my victim days. Especially as I watched others receiving it. But I realized that this was not the kind of attention I wanted. I wanted to be happy, to work “smarter not harder,” to be free.

That was so many years ago and yes, I still feel an emotional pull once in a great while, but for the most part, I feel free and totally responsible for where I find myself today. My generosity comes from a healthy place, without sacrificing myself. In fact, I have more energy now to help others and work productively.

So when you find yourself feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, wishing you were somewhere else, wanting someone to feel sorry for you (and the list goes on), pull out that mirror, take a good hard look in it, and smile. Because this is your path to freedom. Only you can make the choice to change. And hey, believe me, it’s worth it!